a friend called me crying harder than i’ve heard him cry before. it’s been a year or so since seeing his parents and they were in town celebrating his white coat ceremony. a joyous event yet all Jesse could think about was how frail his father looked as he was recovering from a heart attack just a few weeks prior.
“my parents won’t be here forever. i feel bad for him. he’s been extra nice to me and all i want to do is take care of him.”
Jesse’s relationship with his father is extremely complicated, abusive even. being gay creates a rift between them, as one expects the other to provide a “normal” family and grandchildren, and the other yearns to live his truth.
moving away from his hometown created space to build his dreams and turn away from his familial reality. despite his success, his underlying want is acceptance. will he ever be proud of me? will he ever accept me for who i am? these needs yell louder on silent, drunken nights.
“he doesn’t have the energy to be mad anymore.”
Jesse’s father is extra affectionate. he told me he was proud of me for becoming a doctor. “what i wanted more than anything is to be married and give him a grandchild.”
all of us reach this realization at some point: we are growing every year — busier, wiser, and more ourselves — however we forget our parents are also getting older. they won’t be here forever.
yes, they may have hurt you, scarred you, even debilitated you for years. oh, the years of unlearning and working through trauma. it’s real. your anger is valid.
but what happens when our parents die?
what each person does when confronted with this realization is different. there is not right or wrong way as context is everything. if you try to be the bigger person, i can’t promise you that your parents will not hurt you again. it’s not realistic to say that if you show kindness, they will show kindness to the same degree. no matter what you do, the other person will not change. not because they’re “bad” but because humans cannot change each other’s minds, especially when fear is involved. in the end, what is in your control is how you react.
how do i feel? how do i act?
you don’t have to know how to feel just yet. it’s confusing — there is anger and hatred for the ways your parents have damaged you, but also empathy and pain at the thought of their end. one approach is to think about how you want to remember your time with them in the end. do you want to let it all fizzle? create new memories? talk through trauma together? build a new relationship with them?
a friend of mine lost her father a couple years back. i asked her, How is it for her now?
“i don’t hold any bitterness. i look back and see good memories. i just get random moments of pain. i don’t push the pain away but invite them.”
another friend still has his parents but saw his mother was in financial trouble. she hurt him badly where he held anger and spite towards her for almost a decade.
today, he feels empathy and offered to pay the $10,000 bill to relieve her stress and pay her back for all her sacrifice despite the pain.
i myself had this realization a while back but it wasn’t until this past year when i was mature enough to have constructive conversations with my parents. there was an outburst where i told my dad that he can’t tell me what to do anymore, that i wouldn’t tolerate any behavior i don’t like. what followed was a period of pain and emotional distance. during this time, my dad told me that we can’t get close or else we will break the relationship which hurt for a while.
but fortunately, time does heal. a year later, after a few more visits and effort on both sides, we’ve rebuilt our relationship to be more like friends. he honors the boundaries.
at some point, we must choose how we want the relationship to be, then take responsibility and take action towards this. this is applicable to parents and friends alike. Daryl Davis, a Black man famous for converting 100+ Ku Klux Klansman, is skilled in civil discourse. He remarks,
You can’t change somebody’s mind by dis-allowing them to express what’s on their mind.
all the feelings must be on the table. talking through them is a start.
then, talking without judgment at least on your end. keeping an open mind though you may be emotionally triggered, sustaining that neutrality longer in a conversation.
then, talking without judgment and asking thoughtful questions — actively listening, not thinking about how you will respond, really trying to understand.
repeat until empathy and trust is built.
having conversations that create trust and connection, especially with those we disagree with, is difficult because we have an ego getting in the way. the key is to put away emotions in the short-term to grow better relationships in the long-term. it’s an art form, a skill that has grown rusty in our society, however from my experience, it leads to love and fulfillment we ultimately want and need.
if you feel scared and confused about how to navigate aging parents, please know you’re not alone.
caroline
to learn how mortality looks like in our country:
Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End by Atul Gawande
to learn about how we approach strangers and where it’s gone wrong:
Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know About the People We Don’t Know by Malcolm Gladwell
to learn more about how to tactically have better conversations from expert conversationalist Celeste Headlee:
to learn how another expert conversationalist Daryl Davis successfully navigates difficult, even dangerous conversations. he’s helped many Klansmen see beyond hate, some even giving their uniforms to Daryl:
Jesse is a pseudonym
dedicated to my vulnerable, loving friends