trust issues come in a range of flavors. it took me a while to recognize how i stay guarded despite my cheerful exterior.
where does it come from?
what triggers it?
why do i feel this when i objectively don’t need to worry?
when someone says they’ll do something, and they don’t deliver, my distrust flairs up. i was raised to treat words like contracts: literal and a standard for judgement. if one’s actions did not match up exactly, i was to dismiss that person as untrustworthy. this was how i protected myself from the pain of disappointment. while i worked to live up to this standard, i quickly learned that not everyone could fulfill every promise.
i emphasized perfection from an early age. diligently washing dishes, vacuuming in straight lines, putting everything exactly where you got it, locking every window and door before leaving the house, sweeping dirt piles… i could not fail. i was expected to be a good, responsible example for my two younger brothers. “you’re the head of the train. wherever you go, they will follow” repeats in my head even today. i became disciplined, delivering what i said i would to the fullest, even if it required great sacrifice on my part.
lastly, i was taught that “all men are dogs”, that they only want one thing from me, that i needed to be alert at all times. this created a deep fear that pushed me to play up my masculinity, downplay my femininity, and develop a set of survival skills that i’m still unlearning today:
mentally playing out worst-case scenarios and strategizing how i’d respond
considering moves a few steps ahead to anticipate failure
hyper-awareness around one’s body language, tone, gaze, and motives
sharp ability to make up alibis and stories to allow my escape
quick hand reactions to snatch things or attack when necessary
learning how to move as quietly as possible if i ever needed to sneak away
double-checking every detail to prevent my demise
i coped with my fears by obsessing over improving these skills, though i fortunately never had to use them.
like gates that open with passwords and walkways coded with booby traps, i guarded my heart with layers and allowed short margins of error. after a while, i started to wonder why i kept pushing people away, why i played coy with the boys, why i ended so many friendships despite not wanting to feel lonely. was i right to do those things, or am i the problem?
over time, i learned that risk and love go together. you must allow yourself to be seen, to be vulnerable, and risk feeling disappointed to experience deep love. to be loved deeply, you must love deeply. i eventually understood that people who seem non-commital felt the same fear. it takes courage to feel vulnerable and expose your heart anyway. some will rise to your advance, while others will stay in their shells, and that’s okay. you can always choose to move on if the relationship cannot fulfill your needs, but still, remain empathetic as they’re just human.
i am overcoming trust issues by surrounding myself with good people and loving them with all i have. i try to expressing how you feel, even if i’m terrified that they won’t return the love. when the relationship feels unequal, i am trying to remind myself that people express love differently. if the feeling of neglect persists beyond reason, it’s okay to move on. there are more than enough people in the world who will receive your love and deliver tenfold, but don’t rob yourself of a chance to feel real love because you’re scared of being real.
straightforward people, people who don’t play games with your heart — those people will help you see Distrust for what it is. sometimes Distrust is Paranoia, Anxiety or a bad habit of Overthinking in disguise. honest, kind people are not manipulative or intentionally hurt you… they’re most likely busy or incompetent at planning or communicating.
this healing, or unlearning of our habit to distrust, creates space, time, and energy for different thoughts. i’ve been channeling that surplus towards my hobbies, dreaming of the next me, and enjoying much needed stillness. when i slip and start to mentally spiral, i try to remind myself that i am a trusting, open person now. i give myself grace for my mistakes and take a deep breath to begin again. these actions over time build my trust with myself, and grow my understanding of my needs / how i want to be supported. this grace transfers to my interactions with others. in scenarios i used to pass quick judgement, i can now correct myself and give people the benefit of the doubt. and when my boundaries are impact, i am learning to express feedback so they can support me better.
the idea that trust is learned hurts you more than it hurts others. it breeds Fear and Scarcity within you which is antithetical to Love. decide to trust freely by nurturing your emotional development. take trust away if it’s truly warranted, and when you’re ready, find a way to understand and forgive for your own sake. while you do not have to continue interacting with that person, your forgiveness will help let go of pain and suffering so you can move on.
choosing to think and act abundantly is extremely hard. you can tell by how much hate and fear we see around us. it requires us to check our egos, see our pain and create a story of healing. nonetheless, the struggle is better for your heart in the long run. trust me, i’ve been there.
love,
YUNNY